As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, I have been struggling a lot as of late. My husband got diagnosed with schizophrenia and hasn’t yet found out how to cope with this. He separated from me, and though he and I still live together, I feel a lot more alone a lot more of the time than I can really remember. This isn’t going to be a post whining about how life takes these hard turns, or even how to cope with them… What I really want to talk about today is how being in these places affects our minds and our ability to see without bias. When you are surrounded by ugliness, bleakness, overwhelming challenging pieces of life, it can be hard to see how things could ever be good again. Even though for me things are not where I’d prefer, I know I can still get wherever I want to go. Now isn’t forever. And this revelation is thanks to remembering something critical I forgot; I stopped dreaming. Never stop dreaming. That’s what I want to focus on.
I’ve always been a dreamer. A planner. A go getter. I didn’t always know the why, the who, the where, the how long, but I was always able to see what I wanted. It’s been a hobby of mine to expand these ideas and paint these pretty pictures of what life could be like in all kinds of different places, with different people, in love, in passion, in progression, in harmony, whatever. While I’ve been dealing with my husband’s issues the past few years, my dreams have become less important, and the scope of my brain’s focus has shrunk back to only what surrounds me. Slowly and steadily my outlook became more and more dark and rife with pessimism until eventually I woke up and felt like I had nothing to live for. That’s when the relationship fell apart. I know that that is what needed to happen for things to get right again, but it’s still a very challenging place to be. My husband is learning that, too, but that’s a topic for another day.
So I’ve realized that I stopped dreaming. I realize that the impact that had on me was pretty severe. I took some hits to my self esteem, that’s for sure. But also my career dreams suffered, too. I have never wanted anything more than to be a writer, and all the things that had been previously established as slices of my life that were for me got given away to someone else, to him, to roommates, to people who were suffering. And I can say that I did all of that to be noble or to be this or to be that or to achieve whatever the fuck, but what actually happened was I stopped wanting to look at myself because I knew that my life wasn’t under my control anymore. So I threw myself away. I threw myself into others. It was an easy escape strategy, and it worked for a little while while I was coping and running away from the truth.
But the other day I had a rather long sit down conversation with someone I have been spending a lot of time with recently, a new beau, about the importance of dreaming and reaching and goal setting. I always used to know that these things were important for me, and they were the way that I was able to gather the love, knowledge, and on a lesser level status and possessions I currently had. My new beau says to me that he thinks what I am trying to do for myself is really wonderful, and that he used to want things like that for himself, but that going through hard times made him stop dreaming about the objectives he previously sought. Slowly and steadily he thought less and less about them with a worse and worse attitude until eventually they disappeared from view. Bringing them back into focus has been a vivid wake-up call for him. For me, too.
When I write these strange word vomiting posts where I try to organize the shit show of my life in front of you all, I start out with the intention of writing about a specific topic, but I seem to get side-tracked by all the other things that pop up into my mind. But it is all important. I will wrap this up and as always promise to expand on it with specifics and well thought out ness another time, but I want to leave you all with a small bunch of important discoveries that might help you when you’re going through the rough stuff.
- Pay attention to your attitude and outlook. Nothing will crush you faster than a negative one.
- Don’t forget your dreams, especially when pause is unavoidable.
- Don’t assume that you’re alone in your suffering no matter how alone you look, feel, or perceive. There is always someone else out there who has felt what you’re feeling, and there’s always going to be someone who can help you, even if it isn’t in the way that you’d expect. Stay strong.
Dreaming has always been the thing that’s gotten me what I wanted and needed, not just one or the other. It’s gotten me experiences I hope I will never take for granted. It’s gotten me all the love I have ever felt. It’s gotten me the physical things I want, and it’s given me the drive to keep chugging along in hopes of attaining more of what I need for the perfect pretty shiny ideal life we all have buried deep in the depths of our precious minds. I love dreams, and I am looking forward to making so many of them once again. Because now I know I’m not the only person out there who has forgotten them. And most of all I’ve remembered that it’s okay to start over again. That’s probably my favorite part. Thanks for reading. ❤