I’m just thinking out loud here, guys, but feel free to listen in.
The more I pick apart all the choices I’ve made in life, the more I see the errs and the nuances to my chosen decision making model. And I can see where it may have been flawed. Because you see, I have a tendency to split the ones I love right down the middle. And that’s great for them…All the things I love about them go in the foreground, and everything else goes into a different category, one that I trudge through as many times as necessary awaiting the return of the qualities I hold dear. I’ve done it to everyone, and I’m starting to think that it’s time to stop. What’s the use here?
If I can see the good always, then I will be there as many times as someone, anyone needs. That’s going to help them succeed. I want to be the one who was there when no one else was. I want to be the reason that everything is okay for them. (I thought) I need that kind of fulfillment to believe I am a good person. It’s my charity and my clarity. It has become a part of who I am to behave this way… But a few months ago I fell down pretty hard, and there wasn’t anyone there to pick me up and help me onto my feet. I had never been that alone. I thought to myself about all the love I’ve thrown out to people over the years, endlessly and patiently, and how none of it came back to me. I told myself that that was okay, and that other people’s circumstances make it hard for them to give love all the time, and that’s just fine, but it leaves out a big piece that I never seem to appropriately take into account….
Well, what about me?
Selfish has always been a 4 letter word to me. I never wanted to be selfish. I dislike when others are constantly out for themselves without concern for the people they turn asunder in the process…And I have allowed this in my life. Gave it a home in spades. I’m beginning to wonder if they were all on to something all along and I’ve been the unlucky sucker with the untarnished soul…
But there has to be a balance.
I am aware that there is a difference between selfishness and self care, and finding that balance while still trying to maintain the levels of generosity I have allowed in the one-sided relationships in my life is proving to be impossible. It is going to keep being impossible as long as I keep splitting everyone in two. In three. There was a man I loved for a long time, nearly a decade I spent wanting, and I allowed him closer than anyone else for longer than anyone else. And he hasn’t done a thing for me except exist and take advantage for quite some time. He knows that I will be there no matter what he says and no matter what he does. That works out really well for him, especially when he is in a jam. And normally I wouldn’t have a problem with this kind of thing, but the climate of my life is changing. I want to talk about all of this vague garbage in greater detail at another time, but for now the question that keeps hanging in my mind is WHAT ABOUT ME? It isn’t a selfish thing. It’s a real question. What is it that I get out of the arrangement I am in if it isn’t providing me with soul food fulfillment any longer? When is it okay to say that?
People aren’t their good and their bad. They are just them. Humans are defined by their actions and nothing more. You can speculate endlessly on potential, but at the end of the day that is for you and no one else. Action is the definition. Someone I have a tough time placing told me that, and I vehemently rejected it because I didn’t want it to be so. But it is. We are what we do. That’s for us, and that’s for how we treat others. If you lie, you are a liar. If you give, you are a giver. If you love, you are a lover. Be you for you and be you for the universe.
I am a really big fan of this brand of personal uncertainty and all the word vomit that gives me the clarity necessary for mental growth spurts. I’ll never have all the answers, but at least I have more than I did yesterday. ❤